"Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving." -bell hooks

God, somebody tell me why that beautiful soul has to be in London, an entire ocean away.

God all I want to do is farm.
WHY ????????????????

I'll figure it out.
Just needed to vent a minute.

I finally feel like I am actually ready to deal with all of this shit.
Everything. The internal. The external. The really good and the really bad.
The fucking shit-storm that has been the last four weeks.
Estoy lista. Bring on the transformation. Bring it on.

I don't know what I did in my past life but JESUS CHRIST.

Someone I have been organizing with for the past six months tried to break into my house and physically assault me yesterday. They are clearly dealing with some mental health issues and anger management issues.

I would go into details except I'm fucking exhausted from defending myself both physically and verbally. I am emotionally spent. I'm going to have to move. I do not feel safe knowing this person knows where me and my animals live. I have tried to stay at the house and I just cannot do it. Every sound or flash of light makes me think she is around the corner.

I also have chiggers.

Fucking Fantastic

- Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one. I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."
— Anaïs Nin

I miss having a family of friends.
Maybe he is right.
Maybe what I'm looking for isn't here.

I miss home.

As usual my life is a crazy mess. Not that I seem to mind that much right now. Not being in school makes the general stress of life far less daunting.

A couple of weeks ago I found out my baby sis was pregnant. Not so much of a big deal if you don't have a traditional Mexican father who wants you to be married, financial stable, and probably not 20 years old when you've got somethin' kickin' around in your belly. She doesn't meet any of those
requirements at 20 years old, very unmarried, and even more financially insecure.

There was a lot of family drama over this baby situation. There was a lot of fucked up patriarchy shit that involved the baby daddy talkin' to my pops because somehow in the whole process my sister became voiceless. In reality, my mother has been running the ship and keeping it from crashing full speed ahead the entire time. So the sis got an apartment with the said baby daddy and moved out totally unprepared and overwhelmed by anything and everything.

Those more detail oriented of you will notice the past tense in use here. My sister lost the baby last week and had surgery on Thursday. As if the situation wasn't emotional enough, we're all now grieving over a person we never even met.

This whole situation has been a gentle reminder of a couple of things:

One, above all life is precious.
Two, family and friends are invaluable.
Three, true friends are there for you when it counts.
Four, that as a college graduate I am an anomaly in my family. I left behind, physically but not in spirit, familia that is struggling with bullshit that comes with being poor and brown and immigrant. I'm lucky I'm not pregnant, in jail, or addicted.
Five, I have a really beautiful life.

And with that in mind I reflect on the beautiful mess that it is.


My work with SONG and River City Cleaning is still fulfilling me...so much so that I turned down a full-time gig I was offered in Charlottesville. I enjoy living my life by my principles which means organizing as much as possible with SONG and cleaning for a business that believes in treating the Earth with dignity. My days are filled with beautiful queer people, homemade cleaners, and biking to our cleaning locations in parts of the city that I never get to visit otherwise.

I made a presentation to the SONG board two weekends ago in Durham. It was beautiful to meet more SONG family, to be around queer folks of color who are solid organizers in the South, and to dream, think, and build towards creating a home for LGBTQ family here in good ol' VA. It's a slow build but we are getting places and I am forever gracious to the beautiful mentors I have found to help me push the work forward here.

When I got back from Durham I moved to a new space. Currently there are two people, two dogs, and three cats living in my very new to me and very tiny two bedroom apartment. It is quite cozy, artsy, homey, glorious, crafty, creative and beautiful. I REALLY like this space and have BIG plans for such a TINY house that include a small garden, patio night time dance space, queer brunches and dinners galore, and itsy bitsy corner coffee nooks that sit in the morning sunlight just right.

I wish I had a camera, so I could show you, but I might just ask you to visit me instead.

Besides the new place and my amazing work, I have been granted the beautiful gift of special ladies and good friends in my life. There are a number of women who I have been casually seeing and each can be appreciated in their own right. There is Kendel who understands this and we are re-building our relationship to mean new and more sustainable things for the both of us. There is Salem who has become my closest latino queer comrade in this fight.I love him and our bubbly and somewhat comedic afternoon and late night conversations about the state of ourselves in this ever-changing world. There are Nathan and Jake who unlike most straight white men of privilege I know really understand and USE that privilege to truly make the world a more beautiful place. There is Alison who unlike anyone else will gallantly act as my date when random drunk men hit on us in bars. There are my queer brunch boos who will publicly display their gender transgressing without qualms and make great drag ball costume shopping buddies. There is Nandi, Tsion, Jamaica, and Kadeem that are pushing the boundaries of what it means to be LGBTQ and not white and who I look forward to loving more fully in the future.

There are many things I could say, but I will stop here. For now this bright update seems like enough. Here's to tomorrow.

We were both too physically and mentally exhausted to do much of anything last night except order pizza from 8 1/2 and drink beer. It was great.

for women who are 'difficult' to love.
Warsan Shire



you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.